Sudden Death - Masturbate lyrics

(parody of "Regulate" by Warren G. and Nate Dogg)

Masturbators

We'll masturbate with anything we can get our hands on

From Victoria's Secret Catalogs to Archie Comics

We're damn good, too

But you can't be any Jack off the street

You gotta be handy with the candy if you know what I mean

Masturbators!

Jack up!

It was a beautiful night, under the stars

Walking hand in hand, away from all the cars

We came to a tree and sat down in the grass

I put my hand on her knee, I tried to make a pass

Just went to the movies with the girl of my dreams

Bulging out of my pants nearly breaking the seams

Put my arm around the girl then she wrecked my pride

When she jammed her elbow really hard in my side

Sittin' under the tree she put her arm around me

Then she grabbed me and repeatedly bashed me into the tree

The girl ran away, I sat there and moaned

She stole my car so I'm-a have to walk home

She didn't watch the movie she just walked away

I guess she didn't care since she didn't have to pay

But I'm not gonna let this ruin my date

But then the girl came back and threw her soda in my face

This ain't my day, I guess I'm outta luck

I still can't believe that I messed this up

I passed a movie theater not feeling too well

I looked at the marquis and said what the hell

I saw my homie Devo Spice walking into the film

I waved him over and he sat where the soda spilled

He didn't seem to care that his butt was wet

'Cause that's the only satisfaction he was going to get

I got pressure in my head, other parts are turning blue

I'm sittin' next to Stain wondering what to do

I left the movie theater decided just to roam

I wandered for a while then I found my way home

Spice got up and left so I left too

I'm still horny so I know what I have to do

We both went out and we both blew our dates

So Stain and Devo Spice had to masturbate

Sittin' in my bedroom with some Vaseline

And the girl of my dreams in a magazine

Since I wasn't with a real girl and I was annoyed

I began to shake hands with the unemployed

Now Stain is a bum and that's a known fact

But I'm not known for resortin' to a jack

Just once just once just this time

With Miss September and me, in a knuckle bind

The very next night I was lookin' for some fun

So I called every girl I knew

Most of them just began to laugh

And a couple of them even spewed

So I paced back and forth I just couldn't believe

I said ooh not again

So when a girl scout came to sell cookies I asked her

Would you like to yank my chain

I got Victoria's Secret in the house with us

The next step is the Jerkit Circus

I'm tweaking on a whole new level

But I gotta admit I'm happier than ever

I can do any girl no hesitation or trouble

Kelly Bundy, Cindy Crawford, maybe even Betty Rubble

Whips, chains, magazines, Vaseline,

G-strings, where you don't need a wife and you don't need a condom

If you do like I do

You know that it'll blow your mind

But if you do it too often

Be careful 'cause you might go blind

If you try real hard

Then you might just get a date

But if your ass is ugly

Then you're gonna have to masturbate