Rugburns - My Carphone's On The Pill lyrics

My carphone's on the pill, and my girfriend's got call waiting

Satan's in the bagels and my toaster's masturbating

My computer has hard drive, and my disk is always floppy

My Xerox has the runs and it won't stop shitting copies

Help me

My paper wants some coffee and my mother needs recycling

My fax is getting acne and it needs some tetracyclene

My dog is late for school and my son pissed on the floor

The percolator's drooling and the baby's at the store

Would you help me please?

The TV's watching me and my control is in remote

Grandpa's sucking carpet and the vacuum stole my coat

And the birds are smoking cocaine and my son lives in a nest

My daughter just got neutered, and my cat just got fake breasts

Now help me please

Yeah TV rules the house now, Mr. Cartwright is the boss

Ginger's kissing MaryAnn and I'm in love with Hoss

Thurston Howell III is lusting after Mary Tyler

More is always less that Mr. Douglas is a styler

Green Acres is the place to be, that Eb is such a dork

He hit Arnold the pig and so tonight we're eating pork

Help me

My coffee lost its dentures and my father needs reheating

My wife is always empty and the fridge is always eating

The dust pan's playng marbles and the kids are in the sink

And the heater won't quit farting and my mental health it stinks

Now help me please

My car went to the movies, and I'm locked in my garage

My bathroom went to art school, now I piss in a collage

And the blender stole my credit cards, and bought some fancy duds

Everyone has patriots, but all I have are scuds

Help me please

My carphone's on the pill, and my girfriend's got call waiting

Satan's in the bagels and my toaster's masturbating

Help me please