Jandek - Worthless Recluse lyrics

Worthless recluse

Bang, pow, steel, muscle, k

What worse, I'm alone

Grown the bane of not being interested in the plate they passed to you

All the pleasure spots in the city

And if I walk in, my person screams

I'm obviously out of place

My shoes don't kick one over the other

So much as they used to

I'm here, God knows it

But where are you

The object of my satisfaction?

But this solitude doesn't agree with anyone

What's my name?

Go, and be alone, and stop crying

Well it's not any fun

And I look at myself being busy

And I know I'm putting something off

What is it?

I remember being alive

In the cold northern cities

I didn't need to think if I were interested

Eight-thirty wasn't too late

And I look at my lonely bed

Where once in my life I shared it regular

Oooooh, the years, and the time

These memories that keep me going

From one activity to another

Well I don't know which is the real life

What I do actively

Or when my thoughts are lost in time

My new house, in elegant comfort, is one thing

But being huddled in red, blue, and orange

Cracks in the walls, wind whistling

I'll not ever forget

And your face behind the flowers

Somehow branded to my half-life

Which may take over yet

Consciously I play the game of making money

Back in my brain, is the cold northern cities

And the cold that makes me jump up and down

I just can't seem to kill this pain today

I can't afford to do me in

And it makes me wonder whoever is happy in this world

I can't see them, are they there?

The supermarkets are always jam packed, the acceptable way

I got a big frame, born with it, sure do need a side of beef

42 heads of lettuce, 888 potatoes

And all the apple pies my Mack truck can drive away with

Cure all, better than a bandage

Better than the blue

Better even than TV

Oh oh, here comes the pain

Break out a barrel of cheese

Yep, we got ours

Ooh, coming on years since I met you

Half the time I saw you

Half the time one of your eyes looked past my shoulder

What was there? Was it better than my eyes?

When you let me see you

Nothing looked better

Even, unfortunate or not, me

Maybe that's why now, I view myself in the dream

And finding myself, and it hurts

And the dream is more fun

Anything beats the pain of being me and knowing I'm alone

And putting off doing something, whatever it is

I guess, something, like

Living in northern city doorways

Heading north, to the woods, to clean earth (?)

Back where the police invite you to

The back seat of their car, check you out

Why can't I shave and do my part to build man's home?

Where do you live, man? Do you really live here?

Why does my dream keep forgetting that?

Power, let's build power

I guess it spreads the English language

Communication, no more tribes with shrunken heads

It's inevitable, it's my playground

But I have to be serious

Step into the car, mister. What are you?

I'm a little boy, I don't wanna be big

I'll act out my part, and lean on my half-life

In times of trouble, or when it's just there

What else can I do?

Except be a man, and visit ice castle

And live on rocks even if it is cement

And anything's better than all this dirt and grass

So far from the woods, give me cement and wall to wall people

Let me know where I am

Or show me the way to the woods

Wearing deerskin shoes, and carrying a club

Or walking naked on top the snow, light as the air

Black leather head to toe

With some place to go.

I wanna be where no time is the wrong time

Where everything falls in place

Like fiber-optics, ultrasonic waves, and control systems

Control is the name of the game

Lord God, let me get it down

When I get it to a fine T, it's gone

Let it build to perfection, and stay

Oh well, take off

Target eternal light, all systems go. Satisfaction

Maybe then this worthless recluse can carry a torch

Look, I'm a human

But I'm something supernatural

The dream gives light

Listen all you dead and dying

Don't be afraid

If it hurts, let it die

The Easter lily blooms

Its smell surrounds the table

An unforgettable presence, an ominous sight

The purple foil covers the vase pot

Casting reflections through the diffused light

Such beauty and awesome fragrance

Who ever thought they could remove this sanctuary

I don't like fighting, especially when I'm fighting me

I'm staying up late and I don't really know why

I hope I can live till tomorrow and the next day without eating

I'm fed up with eating for a while

I know it, it's only weakness

That binds me at the supermarket counter

Trading green paper for something to do

Blessed are the sociable, that say stupid things

And get close to their neighbors

It takes a worthless recluse to shrink from groups

It takes a half-hearted chicken recluse

To live among people

The best of them disappear

And that's what it's all about

That's why I can't make it

I'm not strong enough to disappear

It takes a supernatural being to disappear

I'm not that good

This human thing in me wants me to be a hero

I want people to think I'm great

I want people giving me so much money

That I have an airplane, a boat and car and house that's everywhere

And the network to support all this

So where is it?

Stuck in the dream, because I don't have the courage to disappear

I know it's the only way to salvation, but

The old nag human me still wants to play with money, people and things

To make a name in the world

Disappearing to God's eye

And away from the eye of the world

Is the big step

Weaklings like me have to hang around, and play, and fudge, and delay

For fear of the big step

I'm just lucky I even know about it

The only reason I do know

Is I begged god to tell me about it

On my knees, screaming with pain

On the sixth floor, in New York City

So I'm telling you about it

Everyone doesn't have to live in northern doorways

To take the big step

Or go to the woods, or ice

We all have our way to go, but everyone knows

Now that I'm telling you

That there is something to do

A big step to take

Into the eye of God

Play human if you have to

But at least know

And don't kid yourself

Behind that big piece of delicious poison

All you dead and dying

Disappear to your own eye

So that you don't see yourself

Live the half-life

Step inside the dream