Gwar

The Manitoban Online conducted a recent interview with Oderus Urungus:

Oderus Urungus is a bit of a failure. Okay, so GWAR's lead singer hasn't fumbled every challenge he's made for himself during his 20-year reign over Earth, but the meaty-faced frontman admits he's bungled up on a few occasions.

During the middle of GWAR's 20th anniversary tour to promote their first live album, Live From Mt. Fuji, Urungus tore himself away from his busy schedule of murdering and raping human beings to speak - or in Urungus's case yell - with the Manitoban about some of his shortfalls.

"I think [my failure to destroy the human race] has something to do with my hopeless drug addiction, my alcoholic tantrums, my inability to understand GPS navigation and my total inability to keep my cheque book balanced," said the singer from a phone in Philadelphia.

Being in Philadelphia, the musician is certainly well-removed from his native home. Originally from the planet Scumdogia, Urungus and his band mates were banished to Earth and promptly buried in Antarctica. Thousands of years passed before the soon-to-be rock stars awoke and formed GWAR. Since 1985, GWAR, whose current lineup includes Urungus, guitarists BalSac the Jaws of Death and Flattus Maximus, bassist Beefcake the Mighty and drummer Jizmak Da Gusha, have been showering their rank bodily fluids on human beings all over the world and educating hordes of people about their love for sadomasochism and violence.

This past summer, GWAR had the opportunity to infect thousands with their message of hate as they performed as the special guests for a heavy metal festival entitled the Sounds of the Underground. Urungus admitted they had an enjoyable time executing several people during the summer, but somehow GWAR has failed to make humans feel totally disgusted with the band.

"It was great. [Sounds of the Underground] was an opportunity for GWAR to go out with a bunch of other contemporaries . . . . It was a chance for GWAR to . . . murder them all!" said the 28 million-year-old alien.

"I hope [people aren't accepting us]. When GWAR's accepted, then that will be the time for GWAR to break up . . . . GWAR has to be completely unacceptable! I think [people] are accepting us, but we're trying all the harder to make them not [accept us]. For some reason they just willingly throw themselves into the jaws of death."

Perhaps GWAR's inability to make fans despise them is tied to Urungus and his mammoth genitalia. During last year's tour, the armour-clad musician vowed to hide his penis, as his bandmates complained the singer's sexual exploits were disrupting his killing, but Urungus acknowledged he couldn't carry out the task. The butt-baring artist explained how important it is for fans to experience his massive protuberance firsthand.

"That whole thing about concealing the penis lasted about five minutes," said Urungus. "People just don't feel right unless the Cuttlefish of Ctulu is spewing its filthy chunk in their faces. It's really not a complete GWAR experience unless you're hosed down with syphilitic urine."

Fans were already doubtful as to whether the musician could live up to his reputation of being known as one of the world's naughtiest rock stars, as Urungus had confessed to being Osama Bin Laden's gay lover in order to get close enough to the suspected terrorist to kill him. Although the talkative frontman failed to meet the challenge that his band mates had proposed for last year's tour, Urungus was at least playful with the notion that he had lost his rough exterior.

"Yes, [I'm] totally, completely soft. Oderus is fat and drunk and stupid and my penis is turgid at best. Yes, I've totally lost all sense of purpose ever since I became addicted to Osama's giant horse cock," Urungus said before he paused.

"Of course I'm not going soft, you idiot! I'm harder than ever! Hard as nails and muffins with butter dripping on the sides! I'm soft in the middle and crusty on the outside!"

There's no question Urungus feels that his celebrity status is rising every year. Despite his ridiculously high profile, the self-acknowledged super-duper star said he isn't worried for his safety, as the entertainer admitted that he himself is terribly incompetent when it comes to self-destruction.

"I've tried to kill myself by blowing my brains out several times, and I've missed every single shot," said the self-proclaimed Lord of the Earth. "Apparently the size of my brain is such a tiny microscopic particle that it's almost impossible to hit with a bullet, so I'm not really worried about anyone blowing me away anytime soon. Besides, I'm immortal, indestructible and completely deluded."

Deluded and self-deprecating Urungus may be, but the musician is alert enough to describe one of his most beloved Canadian fans.

"[My favourite fan is] that girl who had projectile cum. [She] was pretty cool [and from] Edmonton . . . [or] wherever that shopping mall was," said Urungus.

It's obvious the alien entertainer has a special place in his cold, dirty heart for his Canadian fans.

"We can't wait to get back to Canada because it is rock fucking city!" yelled Urungus. "Can't wait to see you and dine on your filthy flesh! Toodles!"

Though GWAR has successfully maimed and assaulted thousands of people over the past 20 years, and Urungus has his obvious shortcomings, the band's unmistakable talent for entertaining the human race is the one area where GWAR will never disappoint.

SOURCE: Manitoban Online